Due Process Of Pain

I’m not sure how much time had passed. Seconds? Hours? Just time. I finally opened my eyes to see our feet intertwined. I looked longer to see the little splashes of tears dappled across the wooden floor. I tried to guess which were mine and which were hers. It really didn’t matter. Pain is pain. There was nothing I could do. There was nothing I could say. All I could do was let her lean on me as I held her. We had both lost a dear love, but I kept my heartache hidden so I keep strong for her.

This is how I deal with things. This is what I do when I lose control and feel utterly helpless to tragedy. I find someone to wrap my arms around and comfort. I do it because I hate seeing others in pain. I do it because I love deeply. I do it because I know of no other way.

However I am grieving. There is no way around that. I was struck with two accounts of horrible news yesterday. Two of my favorite people on earth are facing death. It all happened so suddenly. I’m trying so hard not to be terrified. I had to tell a family member today. I had to watch as her face drained of blood and fill with anguish. God show me what to do. Show me how to help ease this.

Why must I always face awful things alone?

***

That’s not entirely true. I have some around me who jump at the chance to see me vulnerable. They slink in at these moments and try to use it for personal gain. I can’t do this. They don’t see the point in investing in someone if they cannot gain something more. Why must so much of people’s “kindness” be twisted in selfishness?

People will always do the right thing… if it benefits them. However, true giving requires sacrifice. It means putting aside our needs and wants, so we can truly focus on the other person. We don’t do this to gain accolades when the person heals. You have never “fixed” anyone. That healing is because of God alone. We are just honored with the chance to see the person experience God.

I don’t see Your hand yet, God. But I know it’s here. Help me to encourage others in that fact. Thank you God for sacrificing, and loving broken creatures that could never match your investment. I trust you…always. All will be well.

UPDATE (a day later)

I wrote out of emotion last night…not faith. However the Lord graced me with faith and joy in abundance when I woke up this morning. Since I have rallied my entire family and poured out all that God had poured into me. There is prayer. There is praise.  God is ALWAYS enough.

 

Je t’aime plus

J’adore aujourd’hui!

~Warning, this post get’s a bit gruesome.~

I have always found this day to be fascinating. While many focus on candy and Hallmark sentiments, there is something both tragic and beautiful at the heart of it. Although most that is known about St. Valentine is cloaked in mystery, a few things are known. He died on February 14 269 A.D. However even that fact is debatable from the date to the number of saints. There are many Saint Valentines in the Roman Catholic priesthood and two in particular at the time of death.  Most historians conclude that there was just one man, a saint who became bishop, that was beheaded for his faith.  Although there is little question of the martyrdom of a saint, the event may have been romanticized by Chaucer (author of the Canterbury Tales) in the poem “The Parliament of Fowls”. He actually used the term “Valentine’s Day” which obviously is still in use.

History aside, what I find most incredible is how we celebrate the death of this man. It is a day of love, affection, and declarations of the heart. What an honor to have one’s legacy be wrapped in the beauty of love. This man willingly faced punishment because the love in his heart for God was bigger than death itself. This inspires me beyond words. Although hardly comparable, I often dream of dying for my faith. One dream in particular still haunts me.

I was about to be hung. I looked down and all across my skin were tattoos of the sins of others mixed with inked hearts of love. I was dying so they wouldn’t have to. The enemy was incensed at such affection, so he cut out each tattoo from my body. My skin still crawls when I think about the deep incisions. Mutilated, I dropped to the floor from the loss of blood and remember looking up into the heavens and saying, “Thank you God.”

I’m not stating that true love for God requires martyrdom, but I’m expressing how this love is greater than the worst of the world. It is greater than fame, money, and pleasure. It is eternal. When one is blessed enough to taste the divine nature of God, so many other things fade in comparison. I still remember the look in my boyfriend’s eyes as he looked past death and saw the face of Jesus. Skin was falling off his body from the burns, but he raised up his hands and attempted to spend his last moments of life praising God. Throughout the agony, he saw something I didn’t. He witnessed the fulness of Glory here on earth moments before his body gave up and unleashed his spirit.

This love is more than chocolate or being romanced, because when it is based in God it is the substance worth living (and dying) for.

**CATHOLIC VALENTINES PRAYER

Praise to the One whose love stirs the ancient embers
sparks the breath of prayer

Praise to the One whose love entices the wandering
beckons the confused

Praise to the One whose love grows wings on the weary
dreams hope in the discouraged

Praise to the One whose love soothes with the ointment of mercy
transforms with the touch of compassion

Praise to the One whose love threads the energy of friendship
stitches the strength of fidelity

Praise to the One whose love tickles the soul with laughter
urges the heart toward joy

Praise to the One whose love embraces the untamed
dances with the passionate

All praise to this Gracious One
All gratitude to this Beloved
All love to this Mentor of Friendship
All devotion to this Shaper of Hearts.