Great Expectations

De Profundis

Oh, is it, then, Utopian

To hope that I may meet a man

Who’ll not relate, accents suave?

The tales of girls he used to have?

Dorothy Parker

I will be the first to admit that I am kind of a disaster at romance. I have had men complain that I must have robotic heart. “After all this time, how do you not love me by now?”

I have heard that question many times, but I have yet to discover an answer for it. I care for these people. I want to do everything in my power to make them happy, but I do not love them. At my inability to match their intensity, they soon turn vicious. Suddenly they treat me like I am a monster. They strive to make my life hell. Is this love? They claim it to be, but it can’t be. They care nothing for my feelings at all, but are instead blinded by the fervency of their own emotions.

Charles Dickens was guilty of this faulty romance. His first love was Maria Beadnell, a Bankers daughter. She was from a distinguished family, where as the Dickens family suffered from great debt.  He was infatuated and wrote her letters and poems. “I have never loved and never can love any human creature but yourself.” Her father put an end to their relationship and Charles suffered from depression. He threw himself into his work and let this setback make him only love what he couldn’t have. He ended up marrying Catherine Hogarth. However after her sister, Mary, died, Charles fell in love with her instead. He was more in love with being infatuated with women and his own fiery emotions, than selflessly loving them for who they were. He divorced his wife after he realized he had grown tired of her. In his later years he received a letter from Maria Beadnell, desiring to see him. Elated, he met with her immediately. The ideal of what he expected is not what he saw. She no longer had her youthful beauty and Dickens was disgusted that he once idealized her. There is no doubt that Dickens was a proficient Victorian writer, but he was horrible and selfish in his treatment towards love and women.

This past week I was in a fight with one of my guy friends. He has been back and forth with his intentions for months and I often thought of giving up on him. However, there were really great moments of talking about God, laughing at the silly missteps of parties, and exploring the town. He seemed perfect and I wondered why I wasn’t attracted him. I wanted to be attracted to him. But something unknown about him bothered me and my heart wasn’t in it. Then this week everything surfaced. Although we have only been friends, I recently discovered he was telling people we were dating. Also during this time, he was stringing along his ex-girlfriend. I would notice he would bring her up in conversation to get me jealous. Each time he did I gave him space. “I will not get in the middle of that,” I said repeatedly. He wanted me to fight for his attention, but he didn’t realize how much I wasn’t invested emotionally. Things suddenly came to a boiling point when he asked me out (when I knew he was with his ex at that moment) and I said no. He yelled at me. I confronted him about how he was trying to juggle multiple women and that he could count me out. I was called a string of terrible words and was threatened that “you will be sorry!” His ego was blinding. He considered himself perfect and that he deserved my affection. He didn’t see me as a person, but a trophy for his own self importance. Ten minutes after we talked he was officially back together with his ex. I am so grateful I never had feelings for him. Twenty minutes after that his roommate called me and asked me out so we could “talk about it”. I was shocked that he was using a fight in order to try and impress me. Again, I said no.

I tried so hard not to be mad at men in general. Luckily a friend on the coast, who seems capable of reading my mind, called me. Even just seeing his name on the screen has a calming effect. Yes, there are good, selfless men out there.

The next day I received a gift in the mail from one of my pen pals. I opened up the most beautiful, personal, and romantic gift I have ever received. I didn’t sigh, fawn, or cry. Instead I said some horrible curse words under my breath. There in front of me was the heart of a man in material form. I had no idea what to do. Suddenly I realized that all I had to do was make the conscious decision in my brain to be in a relationship and I would be. But I do not love him. I hardly know him. He has only seen me twice and now lives 2000 miles away. I am terrified. I am so used to men keeping their feelings a secret until they blow up, but this….I am not used to this.

I wrote him back a very platonic letter. I thanked him repeatedly, but made sure my tone did not give off the aura of romance.  A few days later, I got a picture text of my letter on top of fancy plateware.

“Your letter and I are out to dinner.”

HE TOOK MY LETTER ON A DATE! I feel so guilty that the most romantic man in the world is interested in me. Me! The girl who HATED The Notebook and wished she married the other guy so it would have ended sooner. Me, the girl who thinks the effort of love is better spent on caring for many people than being romantic with one. This incredible and handsome man deserves a woman who knows how to love and can entrust to him her heart. I don’t know how to do that. Not yet.

I know what to do when a boy yells at me, but I’m lost when it comes to honest love. I don’t always want to be a failure at romance. Lord, please don’t let me turn into Charles.

 

Je t’aime plus

J’adore aujourd’hui!

~Warning, this post get’s a bit gruesome.~

I have always found this day to be fascinating. While many focus on candy and Hallmark sentiments, there is something both tragic and beautiful at the heart of it. Although most that is known about St. Valentine is cloaked in mystery, a few things are known. He died on February 14 269 A.D. However even that fact is debatable from the date to the number of saints. There are many Saint Valentines in the Roman Catholic priesthood and two in particular at the time of death.  Most historians conclude that there was just one man, a saint who became bishop, that was beheaded for his faith.  Although there is little question of the martyrdom of a saint, the event may have been romanticized by Chaucer (author of the Canterbury Tales) in the poem “The Parliament of Fowls”. He actually used the term “Valentine’s Day” which obviously is still in use.

History aside, what I find most incredible is how we celebrate the death of this man. It is a day of love, affection, and declarations of the heart. What an honor to have one’s legacy be wrapped in the beauty of love. This man willingly faced punishment because the love in his heart for God was bigger than death itself. This inspires me beyond words. Although hardly comparable, I often dream of dying for my faith. One dream in particular still haunts me.

I was about to be hung. I looked down and all across my skin were tattoos of the sins of others mixed with inked hearts of love. I was dying so they wouldn’t have to. The enemy was incensed at such affection, so he cut out each tattoo from my body. My skin still crawls when I think about the deep incisions. Mutilated, I dropped to the floor from the loss of blood and remember looking up into the heavens and saying, “Thank you God.”

I’m not stating that true love for God requires martyrdom, but I’m expressing how this love is greater than the worst of the world. It is greater than fame, money, and pleasure. It is eternal. When one is blessed enough to taste the divine nature of God, so many other things fade in comparison. I still remember the look in my boyfriend’s eyes as he looked past death and saw the face of Jesus. Skin was falling off his body from the burns, but he raised up his hands and attempted to spend his last moments of life praising God. Throughout the agony, he saw something I didn’t. He witnessed the fulness of Glory here on earth moments before his body gave up and unleashed his spirit.

This love is more than chocolate or being romanced, because when it is based in God it is the substance worth living (and dying) for.

**CATHOLIC VALENTINES PRAYER

Praise to the One whose love stirs the ancient embers
sparks the breath of prayer

Praise to the One whose love entices the wandering
beckons the confused

Praise to the One whose love grows wings on the weary
dreams hope in the discouraged

Praise to the One whose love soothes with the ointment of mercy
transforms with the touch of compassion

Praise to the One whose love threads the energy of friendship
stitches the strength of fidelity

Praise to the One whose love tickles the soul with laughter
urges the heart toward joy

Praise to the One whose love embraces the untamed
dances with the passionate

All praise to this Gracious One
All gratitude to this Beloved
All love to this Mentor of Friendship
All devotion to this Shaper of Hearts.

 

Your Friendship is Tireless

It was a moment when all within me came to sudden halt. What I was doing didn’t matter. My eyes closed and I whispered, “Jesus.” My heart quickened. It was time to pray.

For a while all I could say was the name of Lord. My spirit was beckoning for something deeper. Although I do not go a day without praying, I had let myself grow accustomed to more general blessings.

I lifted up my friendships. I prayed out the Ephesians prayer over each one.

Ephesians 3:16-20

I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

I then did something I rarely do. I prayed this over myself. It struck a nerve because I found myself crying while trying to get through it.  Suddenly I realized how much I had allowed the feelings of abandonment by God to seep into my heart. I have always been aware of the generosity, love, and grace of God but always in a greater measure for those around me. God is so intense in His love for humanity; I have been blessed to feel a fraction of this love for others. Sometimes all I have to do is look a person in the eyes and I can feel my knees buckle as my heart is washed over by His deep love for them. I know God loves me too, but I don’t feel it. I don’t feel a thing. But even with this absence of feeling, I am certain of God’s love.

It is difficult to feel God’s love when all I crave is to serve Him, only to be hindered at every turn. I recently moved across the country to serve in a ministry. After much prayer, fasting, and sacrifice, I took the leap. I was only there a few days when I had unknowingly offended someone. I was soon asked to leave. I had no idea what I done wrong. However, there was no second chance. There was no grace. There was no forgiveness.

If this were the only instance, than it would be so much easier to grow from. But time and again I notice that my former “Christian friends” only give me one shot. If I mess up, it’s over. I try my best to correct things, but it’s never the same. It is easier to cut me out of their life than forgive me. Even when the tables are turned and it is a friend that hurts me, everything still dissolves. My favorite professor in college was in charge of my study abroad trip. Even though he neglected many red flags, I did not blame him for what went wrong. He didn’t know what would happen. I was not angry with him. When I returned to school, all I wanted was for things to go back to normal. But he couldn’t look me in the eyes, as if I were the embodiment of his failure. After a few days into the school year he went into early retirement and never returned to campus. He never spoke to me again.

With this constant treatment form Christians, it is difficult not to think that God is same way. I will misinterpret. I will misstep. I will fail. I’m human. So my brain, accustomed to the past, reasoned that God was growing distant. Yes, He would listen when I prayed for others, but it stopped there.

But God is not human. God does not hold petty offences or cast off those He doesn’t want to forgive. No, His goodness is immeasurable, and all reaching! God placed an intense love for people within me. Not even a human would put their most worthwhile possession into second-rate vessel. No people put what they cherish into something they can trust, like a safe or bank.

Because of my obedience and willingness to sacrifice, the Lord trusts me. No matter what, I will love and serve God. Because of this trust, I am evermore confident in His love for me.

*Song I’m listening to: “Nearness” by Lovelite

 

Love & Loathing

Yesterday was delightful. Road trips, exciting basketball games, delicious food, and good company combined into one great day.

But it ended on such an unfortunate note. My phone went off and on the other end was a man from my past. We hadn’t talked in nearly two years and my heart was immediately put on guard. I didn’t answer.

A bit later my phone alerted me to a text message.

“I need you to forgive me, Jack. This is tearing me up. I’m so sorry.”

I had no idea what he was talking about. Our friendship ended amicably. After he became engaged to a simply stunning woman, I knew I needed to give them space. So we had one last long conversation and went our separate ways. Honestly I considered him one of the best friends I have ever had. He was so incredibly gracious and treated me like royalty. I adored him.

“I don’t know why you are apologizing, but I promise I haven’t held any bitterness towards you,” I responded. 

“Just say you forgive me.”

“I forgive you.”

The conversation ended. However a few hours later, in mid sleep, another message glowed in the darkness. Tired, but curious, I rolled over to read it. I really wish I hadn’t. It was list of formerly hidden, heinous things he had done to me. There I was, in a motionless state of shock, as I realized that all these deceitful things were done during the times he told me he loved me. Many of his actions caused painful consequences in my life. My heart ached as I lost my best friend all over again.

I let go of the phone and looked up the ceiling, searching for answers. Sure he felt better, but I felt terrible.

“God, what does this mean?” I let the wave of emotions sweep over me and leave me. I was just given a whole list of reasons to hate him, but it’s all in the past. Nothing can be changed. Anger would have solved nothing and I had already forgiven him. I reasoned that perhaps all the awful needed to happen so that he could finally erase me as an option for his life and be wholehearted to his wife. Months before he got married he said, “Jackie don’t let me marry her. I don’t love her.” I struggled with this as all the wedding plans were made. It was not my place to intervene. Ultimately it was his choice and he made it, which dissolved our friendship. We were able to talk it out and end things on a positive note, but I still remember the hesitation in his voice when it was time to hang up. He kept bringing up topics to keep the conversation going, until I finally wished him well, said goodbye, and hung up the phone. That was two years ago and we haven’t talked since…until now.

I exhaled a deep breath and smiled. Yes, I can forgive him. I sent him a text back that said all was well and how much I appreciated his friendship.

My phone went off again.

“You were so intriguing, Jack.You were some undiscovered species, that I had to figure out. I needed to be around you… but I was never your friend.”

I was able to ignore a list of abuse, but that final phrase hurt like hell. No longer did it feel like an apology, but one final stab in the back. I didn’t know whether to laugh at the ridiculousness or scream at the frustration. Unable to sleep, I lit a few candles, poured a hot bath, indulged in a honeybell, and prayed.

What do I do when all my affection for a person is wasted? I have no desire to hate him. Even though he was cruel doesn’t diminish the fact that I cared. I still want so much good for him. I want his marriage to last. I want him to make millions from the business we founded together. I want him to be a strong leader in his community because I know the potential he has within him. I want him happy. So he was a terrible friend, truth is most people are. But hopefully he can grow from it and become the very best version of himself. Lord bless him more than I (or my friendship) ever could.