Conniving Correction

Recently there was a threat of a gunman in my building. It was never confirmed, and it was fairly looked over in the news. However, at the moment… the fear was intense. A couple of hours later (after the police had swarmed the area) we were told to go back to normal activity. Needless to say, that was easier said than done. Without answers my fear festered and I turned to social media for anything to subside my curiosity. There I was bombarded by terrified facebook posts and tweets from my friends and neighbors. One had commented at the time of the lockdown about how she had seen the suspect. In her distress, she made a few grammatical errors. I didn’t notice them until I read the first reply. It was from a woman who took it on herself to correct this young lady’s grammar through mockery. I was shocked. Seriously?

 

But the more I though about it, the less surprised I became. We live in a world of people who police others minor mistakes. They have lost the bigger picture. No longer is it about empathy, gently leading someone into wisdom, but mocking the accused into submission. “You forgot an apostrophe! Therefore I consider myself greater than you and your opinion by scoffing at your mistake. Here in front of my hoard of followers I deem you a Moron.”

 

Where is the kindness? What happened to loving someone in the midst of human faults? The term correction has now become synonymous with “burn”. Which leads me to assume that it is easier to watch others burn in shame than truly care. Sadly, in a growing “me vs. the world” mentality, this doesn’t surprise me.

 

This stained version of correction has infiltrated the Christian realm. From the outside, Christianity only looks like uncomfortable correction and a finger pointing Christ at the helm. Being wrong isn’t a time to learn and experience the beautiful freedom of Grace, but instead a sinful soreness that will be picked at painfully by those who claim to be helping.

 

But this isn’t my Jesus. My Jesus didn’t participate in the jeers when the adulterous woman was brought to him. He didn’t belittle her or make her feel the full pain of her actions. No, he turned and questioned the people trying to make an example of her. He stared into the eyes of the judgmental and asked them to search their own hearts for wrongdoing. One by one, they shamefully backed away. Then he turned to her with deep compassion, recognizing that he would die for this woman’s sin and forgave her. He urged her to “Go and sin no more.” His correction was made out of love because he truly cared for her wellbeing, not because he wanted to be seen as “better”. Every time I read of this moment, my heart melts because I see the Grace of Jesus. But there is more to it than that. Only one person was forgiven at the time and it wasn’t the accusers, but the broken woman. So what’s the point of self-righteousness if there is no freedom of forgiveness?

 

If I truly take this into consideration, then when I stand in front of Christ I will not have the people that I judged my righteousness against to make me feel better standing between me and my Savior. No, I won’t be able to point fingers and state how great I am compared to this person or that person. I will be there alone, his eyes peering into my soul. And I will hear my heart begging him to not be as critical of me as I was with others. I will cry out for compassion, for him to look past my actions and show me empathy. I am grateful that my Jesus won’t take that moment to mock my wrong doings, or use my errors to point out to God how much better He is than me. But instead…grace. And I will feel the warmth of forgiveness just like the redeemed woman. After a moment in the presence of my God, I will walk away clean and blessed…not damned and ashamed.

Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus.

 

A Book & Her Cover

I finished my work up early and with a sigh of slight accomplishment, I rewarded myself with the distractions of the internet.

It was my typical gallivant around the web: news, youtube, music, Twitter, Facebook…etc. All the social media sites blended together into a mass of frivolity…and yet, I checked it. I wouldn’t consider it a habit, but more of a custom of the era. Moments of peoples lives pop onscreen. Most of it now is nothing close to personal, but links to outside sources. “CLICK HERE! This person explains my view so eloquently. They say it so I don’t have to. They pour their heart out so I can save time by merely copying it and posting it under my name in a resounding ‘Ditto’. What a time saver!”

I am guilty of this. With so much going on, it is so much easier to let others explain my thoughts, opinions, and convictions for me. There is nothing wrong about being inspired by someone, but it should only be the spark to the blaze of internal thought. It should only ignite the life questions we muse on throughout the day. Asking ourselves the tough questions is what keeps us growing in life. It makes us more aware of our surroundings and more grateful of simple outcomes.

But we are a generation that lives on the surface. If it can’t be said in 140 characters, then what is the point? Live life on a screen. Make sure to open up your personal life to EVERYONE you have ever “friended” (but neglected to make actual connections with) and cross your fingers that they affirm your life with “likes”. Hooray! Useless opinions to judge my life on!

I bring this up, because a friend of mine questioned why I didn’t post my personal life on social media. My answer was simple. “Because it’s personal.”

Privacy has become so stigmatized in our culture. Why be private and value meaningful moments in your life for your own when you can capitalize on them? You too can get your 15 min of fame as people scroll through your life without any personal effort and grant you a like. Yes. Let the wave of fleeting self importance wash over you as the number of likes rise.

“Hooray! People I don’t care about are affirming my life choices! I must be doing something right!”

Right?

All social media does for us is allow us to compare. Sure, it was created to bring people together and connect the globe…at least that’s why people claim to join. But they stay because it is addicting, because it allows people a silent way to inwardly compare instead of actually communicate with others. It’s a self marketing system disguised as human interaction.

I was inspired to write this because I could feel furry boiling within me when I checked my Facebook today and noticed how many people posted something along the lines of “Stars without makeup” or “Photoshop fails”. It drives me crazy. I don’t care what a celebrity looks like without makeup. His/her career is based on looks and public image, so it only makes sense for them to cake it on. (And with the public, being so ruthless about their appearance it makes logical sense) They are doing what we attempt on Facebook…self marketing to draw attention. Do I think photoshopping practices have become ridiculous? Of course. But let he who has never used a filter cast the first stone.

Posts that tear down are never helpful. I don’t care if it shows how much society relies on photoshop. Putting a processed image of a person next to an unflattering candid one is cruel. It does not fight the good fight of “healthy” body image by plastering ugly photos of celebrities, but only adds to the unnecessary disgust of the natural human form. You don’t see the airbrush marks, but you do cringe at the cellulite. Not to mention these vile articles say NOTHING about the celebrities talent’s or accomplishments…only their physical flaws. It is perpetuating the attitudes that it is attempting to expose.

Looking at ugly pictures may diminish the hurt of insecurity for a moment, but it fails to actually heal anything. You will remain broken as long as you compare because you are missing the most vital piece of peace…looking outside yourself. I am happiest when I am out of my own thoughts. I have realized my own unimportance, and trying to trick myself and the world into believing I’m unique and otherworldly is a waste of time. I will accomplish so much more in life as long as my actions don’t continually point back to me.

Am I aware of the irony of this? That I am using social media to criticize social media? Naturally. But this blog is for me, not notoriety.  A place to take an idea and think it through.

 

Graduate Studies: Love

This is no 101 class.

Conversation with Ben

Ben: I want to go mushroom hunting. Random thought.

Me: That’s not random. You speak of that often. Want to hear an actual random thought? I think I’m in love with a dairy farmer.

Ben: Lol. WHAAAAT? Like in love with the farmer or the products?

Me: The farmer. She is fascinating. Met her last weekend and she was all I spoke of on my date last night.

Ben: Nice. You like ladies now?

Me: Not in the way you are referring. But I’m attracted to her. Not in a physical way…just an abundance of admiration and respect. And to me love is more about that than romance or sex. Anyone can have sex, few are mutually honored.

Ben: To me love is a chemical reaction

Me: Well it is a good thing we’re not in love. I’m all about diplomacy and you’re into chemistry. Same campus. Different buildings.

Ben: Diplomacy and chemistry are mutually exclusive? Because I respect people, but I don’t really love them.

Me: Perhaps it isn’t, but what is the bridge? I just know that I don’t love the guy I went out with and he is already all in. I wish people didn’t fall so fast. I cannot keep up and I feel more isolated. But enough about me. How are you?

Ben: Overhwlemed. Sick. Single. Frustrated.

Me: Sending good thoughts and prayers your way.

Ben: Yes Jackie! Viiiiiibe me. It always works!

The idea of equating love to chemistry has always seemed so shallow to me. The two “lovers” give into an instant reaction, the flame burns bright, both elements are devoured, and it ends.

This quote is written on the bracelet I wear daily. A reminder that love is always giving.

But diplomacy, the ability of coming together with honest intentions and the hope of unity is something far different. The merger is full of give and take, but both are left better off than before. We are exposed to the needs of others, we define them, and then rise the challenge of finding a solution. It takes sacrifice, but maintaining the strength of the unity is far better than the two alone, so it is more than worth it. Both are vulnerable in their desires, but both are fulfilled and understood. Mutual respect is key. How on earth can one be in a romantic relationship with someone they do not respect or trust with the deepest parts of their heart? There is no honesty there. And as Ted Mosby said in HIMYM, “I think when we are truly honest about what we want, life has a way of giving us the chance to have it.” Yes, diplomacy takes more skill than a reaction-craving chemist with a lighter.

When I love someone, I want the chance to see and love all of them…not be blinded by the shimmering flame of instant infatuation.

 

Spooky Sexy

I was on the phone with consulates from all over the world today.

I was also on the phone with the Secret Service…

then the FBI.

 

It was a busy day…but actually nothing out of the ordinary. I work for the Federal Government now.. Just in time when everyone on earth hates the American Federal Government. I help people solve big issues and navigate the labyrinth of government.

But I wasn’t expecting all the hoops I would have to jump through. Every time I accomplish something, I am not congratulated for my problem solving skills, but instead my appearance. It’s aggravating. I just helped with a triple homicide case, and yet I am praised for my long eyelashes. At fancy dinner parties I am referred to as the “hot little girl running around” by powerful men in suits. One just followed me around and would play with my hair between his fingers.A co-worker of mine looked at me and stated, “You’re so lucky.”

I was appalled. This is nothing to be jealous of. Being objectified is demeaning as all hell. Once these men find out I’m smart and self-assured they back off. Calling me pretty won’t make me melt in your arms. Pinching my ass will not make me giggle….it will however, make me slap you. I do not find men desiring to have sex with me as a compliment. It’s not. It’s not even a challenge. It has no affect on my worth. It’s irrelevant. 

And yet, women will dress up as porn stars on Halloween thinking it will set them apart from all the other women desperate to look like tramps. Let’s take respectable jobs and mock it with juvenile double entendres and skin. Cops and nurses are a vital part of our society. They are dedicated men and women who daily face the ugly nature of the human condition and use their skill to help. I find that sexy. Selflessness and dedication are sexy. The ability to keep ones clothes on and still have a strong presence is sexy.

This post really isn’t going anywhere. I’m just stressed. Don’t worry blog, I haven’t forgotten you. I will go into the philosophy of sex and love more when I’m not surrounded by drunk people. 

 

Holy Hypnosis

“Now close your eyes and block out everything but the sound of my voice.” The assured, calm tone soothes you into a peaceful state. Your heart beats slower and opens itself up to encouragement. Trust flows through your veins as the person you have placed your hope in begins to speak over you.

Franz Messmer loomed above his “patient” speaking intense words of healing and waving powerful magnets in order to gain control over both the body and the universe. With faith in his intellect, he summoned the power of the atmosphere in order to alter the internal waves of the body. It was an eye-catching spectacle. With so many actions, something must be happening.

Messmer was a German physician that became obsessed with astronomy and the phases of spatial movement. He used this to “mesmerize” (aka hypnotize) his clients in order to cure them of curious ailments that modern medicine had yet to understand. He had studied theology, law, and medicine and combined his ideas of each. The often trance like state of prayer, laws of physics, mystery of space, and the knowledge of the body mixed into his special version of hypnotherapy.

It is not surprising that his patients were often vulnerable women and children. They were easily assured by his false confidence and surrendered to his authority. They were tempted by the mysticism of it all and the lack of responsibility for their own well-being. Why bother researching his philosophies, when one can simply give in and hope for the best? If it fails, one can always blame ignorance.

But Franz was a fraud. It didn’t take long for others to question his pseudo-science. Ben Franklin and John Guillotine put Messmer’s practices to the test only to find it was utterly illegitimate. How they figured it out was quite fascinating, but I will leave that mystery up to your own research skills. But it does involve the cosmic power of trees.

Therefore Franz didn’t actually heal anyone, but instead forced his beliefs onto weak minds. With no beneficial outcome, the only purpose was to elevate his own status. The only reason some of his patients claimed healing was because of the little understood placebo effect. Therefore, the healing was in the mind, not Messmer’s fancy magnets.

Sadly this false healing placebo effect is rampant in the Christian world. It preys upon our fears of not seeing the hand of God. Our faith is so easily shaken when we don’t see immediate results.Therefore, we seek out others to summon God’s power in an elaborate way. It convinces us that we felt something. But the spirit of God cannot be controlled. Faith is not a feeling. Faith is a knowing, despite human emotion.

It does not take long to find someone who is willing to “heal” you and take credit for your transformation in God. These candy coated Christians are everywhere and they base their self-importance on the placebo effect. Their words are sweet, but retain no nutritional/spiritual value. Just as Messmer, they wave scriptures and spiritual “feelings” over impressionable people like magnets. Why do they do it? Because the savior complex feels good. Anything that makes us forget about our broken mortal state does. But those with this complex, despite flowery words and intense tones, are not helping. Yes they may affect people, but they may only have the person mesmerized for a moment. Real life will hit again and you will both be confused, thinking that God failed you.

I am not saying that talking to other Christians for support is wrong, but always remember where your help comes from (Psalm 121:2). Don’t give into the temptation to put other people you respect in the middle of your relationship with God so that you don’t have to hear for yourself. There is only one Savior.

Savior Complex in Detail:

When cleansed by God, our minds are transformed with wisdom. The Lord graces our brains so that we can connect the dots of life. This action leads to this action. The cloak of mystery is lifted and suddenly we realize that no deed is independent. All of our actions affect others, our surroundings, and ourselves deeper than we realize. You now understand that all the rationalizations you once gave yourself to stay in sin now fall short in the presence of a selfless Savior. This correction is humbling, but valuable. It keeps us living with life and life more abundantly. Oh such sweet grace that makes us new.

However we live in the world and our relationships are not just with God, but with His creation as well. One would think that this humbling grace would endear others to us.  Yet so often we continue to have a short fuse with those who cannot see the connections that we were just blessed enough to realize. Without a second thought we manipulate the wisdom of God to elevate ourselves. “Oh I must be righteous, for I see what you cannot.” Words cannot describe how idiotic I find this postulation. Were we not all blind? Was it not Christ that restored us? Does not ALL wisdom stem from God? The only object I am capable of producing within myself is selfishness, and that is hardly something to brag about.

In an elitist state, we more easily assume the role of “Savior”.  We view our poor opinions of others as in invite to “advise” them. But nothing born out of arrogance has ever aided the human psyche, but only maimed it further till the original ailment is unrecognizable.

Perhaps your advice is born out of frustration with their life because it is not how you would live. You are convinced that they cannot hear God because their life doesn’t emulate your own. Your pride is wounded because they are not following your counsel. But I ask you, when has stress ever cured anything? Can you name a single person who LOVES being told what to do, never trusted with their own thoughts? Of course not. My skin crawls in agitation when people force their ideals onto me. Attached to their words, demands, and strongly worded “advice” is the tone of distrust and disrespect. If this person really trusted my walk with God they would rest in that fact, instead of trying to be God for me and tell me my expectations for living.

Whoa to all who attempt to be God! Humble yourself. Remember who you are and the grace you needed to get to your position of influence. Influence… not ecclesiastical force. Remember that God may (or may not use you) to say something influential to this person. God will never elevate you to replace Him in this person’s life. Trust that God will speak to the person just as He spoke to you. Pray that their heart be open, but do not plan out their Christian walk. Even if they try to abide by your counsel, they will fail… and worse yet… you WILL fail them because your grace is not God’s grace. Your voice is not Divine. No, we are all fellow sheep bleating praises to the one true Shepard.

 

Due Process Of Pain

I’m not sure how much time had passed. Seconds? Hours? Just time. I finally opened my eyes to see our feet intertwined. I looked longer to see the little splashes of tears dappled across the wooden floor. I tried to guess which were mine and which were hers. It really didn’t matter. Pain is pain. There was nothing I could do. There was nothing I could say. All I could do was let her lean on me as I held her. We had both lost a dear love, but I kept my heartache hidden so I keep strong for her.

This is how I deal with things. This is what I do when I lose control and feel utterly helpless to tragedy. I find someone to wrap my arms around and comfort. I do it because I hate seeing others in pain. I do it because I love deeply. I do it because I know of no other way.

However I am grieving. There is no way around that. I was struck with two accounts of horrible news yesterday. Two of my favorite people on earth are facing death. It all happened so suddenly. I’m trying so hard not to be terrified. I had to tell a family member today. I had to watch as her face drained of blood and fill with anguish. God show me what to do. Show me how to help ease this.

Why must I always face awful things alone?

***

That’s not entirely true. I have some around me who jump at the chance to see me vulnerable. They slink in at these moments and try to use it for personal gain. I can’t do this. They don’t see the point in investing in someone if they cannot gain something more. Why must so much of people’s “kindness” be twisted in selfishness?

People will always do the right thing… if it benefits them. However, true giving requires sacrifice. It means putting aside our needs and wants, so we can truly focus on the other person. We don’t do this to gain accolades when the person heals. You have never “fixed” anyone. That healing is because of God alone. We are just honored with the chance to see the person experience God.

I don’t see Your hand yet, God. But I know it’s here. Help me to encourage others in that fact. Thank you God for sacrificing, and loving broken creatures that could never match your investment. I trust you…always. All will be well.

UPDATE (a day later)

I wrote out of emotion last night…not faith. However the Lord graced me with faith and joy in abundance when I woke up this morning. Since I have rallied my entire family and poured out all that God had poured into me. There is prayer. There is praise.  God is ALWAYS enough.

 

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Armor

This dream was commonplace. I was not Joan of Arc, Boudica, or Douglas Macarthur. I wasn’t fighting a battle and no one was trying to kill me. I was merely meandering about town. I came across a building with numerous cars in the parking lot. It caught my eye, so I made my way to the entrance. It was a clothing store aptly named “The Upright Citizen”. The inside was buzzing with foot traffic, and I was shocked that I had never heard of the store before. While wandering about the aisles, I looked at the clothes and stated:

“I own that.”

“I’m wearing that.”

“I’ve had that forever, that’s in style now?”

I was so confused because people were making a fuss over things I thought were customary. However the more I listened in, the more I noticed the frustration in the patrons’ voices:

“These clothes fit funny. It doesn’t suit me.”

“This pattern will make me look weird.”

“I don’t know how to wear this.”

“This feels uncomfortable.”

Upon further inspection, I noticed that although the store was busy, no one was buying anything. All the sizes of styles sat there untouched. Everyone wanted to look like an upright citizen, but felt too uncomfortable in the clothes. Others were worried it would make them look too different and therefore, more susceptible to criticism.

Moving onward, I overheard crying. There in the middle of one of the aisles was a former friend on the floor. It was obvious she was in pain. I cradled her head in my chest and stated that everything was going to be fine. Since my cart was not full of clothes, I had plenty of room to pick her up and place her in the basket. In the next scene I was taking her home to a sorority called “The Hen House”.

I looked for the other women of the house to see if they could help me care for my friend, but the house seemed deserted. Those who were there were zoned in front of the television. Kate looked up at me and said she would sleep better if she knew I was outside keeping guard. I told her I would take care of everything and there was no need to worry anymore.

~~~

 

It is not enough to look like loving Christians who are willing to put others first, we need to cultivate this in ourselves over time. Quickly throwing on “upright” attire will feel awkward and uncomfortable. Trying to dress the part will cause us to miss the real issues that are hidden. While others were criticizing how dowdy the clothes were, I was already dressed and adjusted to the material, free to find the need.

Like I stated in my last post, being someone who only criticizes the Kingdom of God in order to justify selfish actions, does not make a Christian.  Always trying to do the right thing looks weird to the world (that will mock you and belittle your efforts). Although the world may think you are odd for being passionate about a God who seems “outdated”, you are a viable person who is capable of being used to bless others and bring them home.

Great warriors know how to move in armor. Despite the limitations and weight, they train in it to prepare for battle. They know how to make the armor work best. They do not train without it for the sake of ease, because if they do it will feel cumbersome during the fight. They will not only fight enemies, but also their own uncomfortable armor if they are not used to the weight. This will leave them susceptible when the fight is most critical. Why should Christianity and the armor of God be any different?

“Not what one would think of when the idea of comfort comes to mind. But pajamas will not protect you from arrows.”

It is tempting to live an easy life where one can effortlessly throw on a virtuous looking jacket for a few hours to blend in… but honestly, what is the point? Why bother pretending at all? Disguising oneself to look moral does not benefit anyone else, but fills a selfish/pretentious need for a short time. It is the miniscule band-aid to a gapping wound. The easy road may mean you are more accepted, but the easy road has yet to create a great leader. No one of importance rose to that spot by avoiding the sacrifice of selflessness and responsibility. This is something I have to remind myself daily because slipping into an internal focus is far too simple, but I do know the sacrifice is worth it.

In the past two weeks, my sister is the third person the Lord has entrusted me with to encourage and nurture. I am honored and humbled that the Lord trusts me to love them on His behalf and lead them home.

 

Landlocked

I felt a tug on the rope tied around my wrist. I looked up and to find that I was tied to my co-worker Judy.  Rarely does Judy make an appearance in my dreams, but when she does she is the embodiment of hard work and sacrifice. I felt my other wrist move to see that I was also connected to the Pope. Confused, I assessed my surroundings and noticed a large hall with a sizeable wooden frame in the center. The walls were a heavy, block stone that seemed to rise infinitely upward. It was all enclosed and there was nowhere to go. There were crowds of people surrounding the edges of the building, watching every move. Fully aware of what was going to happen, I looked over at Judy and said, “They are going to hang us, aren’t they?”

“Yes,” said Judy. After a solemn pause she continued, “There are always consequences to doing the right thing.” I turned to my left and saw the Pope nod in agreement. With subdued movement he signed a scripture verse and I patted my chest in assurance.

I Peter 5:10 After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.                                                                               

We walked over to a large collection of old books, carried them to the wooden structure, and threw them in a pile underneath. As the pile grew, I asked Judy of the purpose.

“In case the rope snaps when they hang us, the old book spines will break our spines when we fall,” she said without looking up from her assignment.

As a faceless figure strung us up, a few seconds passed and I awoke. I am still unsure of the meaning of the books, only that people will use cultural pressure, majority in number, and intellect to tear down those that intimidate them.

Ever since I can remember, I have tried to do the right thing. At sixteen, I would wake up every morning and state, “It’s not about you. It’s about the unseen.” I understood that life decisions never just affect one person. We are humankind, forever linked together. Each day was the chance to bless my surroundings and acknowledge the greatness in others. I was adamantly against Aleister Crowley’s conceited mantra, “Do what thou wilt.” That vain idea gives into the selfish belief that human beings are autonomous islands that are ruled by divine right. In this mindset, we are god-like rulers who are accountable to no one. When people come into our lives, they must bow before the laws we set in place. It is not about them, but their acceptance of us. If they cannot accept our egocentric demands, then they are forever exiled as traitors. For anyone who challenges us and strives us to grow (including God) they are seen as a threat to our self-importance. If those in your life do not positively pressure you to continue moving forward, then their love is also selfish because it is used as a tool to keep you stagnant and the same. It’s not love, it’s ownership. Love is not worthwhile when there is no growth; it is merely tainted affection. True love means encouraging and blessing those in our lives in order to embrace eternal fulfillment.

Retreating into our own minds leads us to assume that every selfish action is justified. We refuse to see how our actions affect other people, and therefore, lose our apathy. Island living is a farce, because it is no more than an anesthetized existence.

Alone, we are worthless. Nothing about you is so extraordinary that you will somehow be able to escape mortality and live forever in legendary status. No, the world existed before you, and will continue to exist without you. However, when we allow Christ to live within us and we choose to embrace those around us by abandoning our islands, we form the church. I am aware that culture has stigmatized the word “church” into a useless collection of hypercritical hate mongers, but that is not the church of the Bible.

Is the church flawed? Of course, we live in a fallen world. Who isn’t flawed? Our society is so busy throwing rocks at other people’s problems that we refuse to see the entropy in ourselves. When we are accused of something, there is always someone to blame.

THERE IS NO HONOR IN FINGER POINTING! Shaking a judgmental finger at a problem does not make you a hero. If you want to see positivity in the church, then BE THAT POSITIVITY! Do not just stand there as a roadblock to those attempting to do good works.

Romans 12:3-5
For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.

The church looks so messy because it dives into the problems. It knows that in order to reach people at their lowest point, it must go and find them. I am honored to be apart of the international church that withstands suffering in the Middle East, meets underground in China, sends missionaries across the world, and daily tries to forget oneself and instead love one’s neighbor.

I am no island, but humbly landlocked.

 

I Don’t

I am at that age where everyone I know is getting married and having children. I am ecstatic for them and wish them nothing less than enduring happiness.

However the whole concept of mutual affection and the sense of knowing that this person is now apart of you through marriage, still seems so foreign to me.

Before my brother proposed to his wife, we sat down to chat during vintage video game night.

“Hey Bubbs, is it weird knowing?” I asked.

“Knowing what?” he responded.

“That you want forever with this person. Life isn’t just you anymore. That knowing just seems…. unfathomable.”

“I don’t understand what you mean.” He said as his character Rayden shocked me on screen. He was still focused, but I couldn’t concentrate.

“I mean, knowing what a large part of your future looks like. Isn’t that weird?” I asked as the game voice announced “FINISH HIM!” I knew the game was over, but hoped the conversation would continue.

“No, Jack…. it’s not weird. It’s natural. Why would knowing feel weird? I guess I still don’t understand the question.” He left it at that and I just assumed this query would answer itself in time.

That was two years ago, and that sense of “knowing” still seems odd to me. I understand loyalty. I understand infatuation. I understand plans and security, but something still just seems off. My life changes so quickly. One second, I’m living with strangers I met off Craigslist out west. The next second, I’m enrolled in Law School. Some time goes by and a guy friend proposes, more time goes by and he’s married to someone else. Soon I’m looking for jobs in Australia, and then the next week I’m signed to an agency in New York. As of right now, few things in my life make sense. Only a few things are certain: 1. I love God first, foremost, and forever. 2. I am a redhead that sunburns easily. 3. I love creating the perfect gift for those I love. 4. My cat is 19 years old and will probably live forever.

My parents have been hopeful that I am at least coming around to the idea of marriage. However last night I had a dream about it that proves I haven’t changed at all. In the dream I went to a friend’s wedding and was so happy for them. In the next scene, I was in a wedding dress. I was being pushed down an aisle to stand next to a guy I barely know. When I figured out what was going on I just kept screaming, “NOOOO! I’m not ready!” I ran away and spent the rest of the dream helping my grandfather pick out a new recliner.

I have often been told that I am “marriage material” and that when guys like me, they also feel the strong sense of forever with it. But it’s not fair. I never look at forever. I don’t feel like marriage material. I really don’t want to be married right now and I don’t want to know the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with.  It’s too much pressure because I’m not ready to have that aspect of my future already set in stone.

I would love to be able to talk with someone about this, but none of my girlfriends understand what I mean. Like Sméagol, they crave the ring above all else. I’ve recently started seeing someone, but he just agrees with me on everything because he thinks I’m pretty. There is no future with him and it’s nice…but it makes some deep conversations taboo. Maybe this is a topic for my penpal…unless anyone who reads this wants to start a discussion.  😉