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Monthly Archives: January 2013

“Reckless is Fun…

…when you’re not the one that gets hurt.” – San Cisco

My last post highlighted my intense redhead wrath, but I have since calmed down. I hate being angry and try to never go to bed while upset. Needless to say, it took me awhile to fall asleep. Witnessing a friend’s pain unnerves me to no end; but as much as I want to, I cannot fight their battles. Hurt is something we must go through and grow through. It makes us wiser and, in time, beckons us to attempt the most unearthly action – forgiveness.

I do wish that when people hurt others, they were made instantly aware of the consequences. Sadly life isn’t like that. Often those who bully others run away or cut ties before they witness the pain they cause. It is much easier to justify horrible actions when one not around to see the backlash.

So what does one do? I certainly do not want to become a cynic who only believes the worst in others, a life expecting disappointment. No, I want to keep being that girl who sees the beautiful good in others (even when it is covered by a rough exterior). I believe in forgiving and forgetting. Holding onto tiny offenses can incite a chasm in the strongest relationships (especially between us and God).

Forgiveness does not condone bad behaviors, but it does recognize our humanness. It reminds us that we can be more than our faults. That is the beauty of it. We will all mess up and disappoint those around us. Sometimes even the best intentions cause unknown pain. Therefore I am thankful that forgiveness transcends the awkward and awful nature of people, in order to enlighten us to the view of God. He loves us, in spite of us.

Forgiving those who targeted and assaulted me felt nearly impossible. How could I forgive when my deepest desire was for them to feel my pain, my fear, and my loss of faith in the goodness of men? I wanted them to suffer. But I soon realized that holding onto this offense was preventing me from healing and moving on. I was not going to let the lack of good judgment in others dictate how I was going to live the rest of my life. Yes, I was broken, but God made me stronger.

 
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Posted by on January 30, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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If I Were Strong Enough to Punch You…

When I think of true wickedness, I think of those who manipulate and cheat people they pretend to love. Abusing the affections of others kills off all redeeming aspects of a person.. until they become nothing more than a loathsome brute.

I have no respect or tolerance for those who veil their destructive selfishness in charm.

As my friend cried again over the horrible cheating nature of her ex-husband, I wished I were stronger so I could hit him. Better for him to be beaten down and humbled now, than continuing to go through life compiling a rap sheet of vicious crimes against women.

All the lies surfaced and his sins were made public. He promised these women his heart and showered them with false flatteries only to cast them off. He tempted them and destroyed them. Are these not the same characteristics of the greatest Evil? Does he not recognize that when he treats women so carelessly, he is mistreating the very creation of God? Each of these women has a purpose and is deeply loved by God, but yet he only viewed them for sex. I cringe over the state of his heart. How could anyone claim to love and serve the Lord, when all they do is abuse those around them?

So women, beware the boy whose words form only flattery. The reason he says it so easily, is not because of his love for you, but because he has said it a thousand times before.

 
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Posted by on January 27, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Posted by on January 24, 2013 in friendship, Growing up, love, Uncategorized

 

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If Only…

It’s four in the morning.

Unfortunately I just woke up from the most wonderful dream. And so, for lack of a better vocabulary at this hour, I’m sad. Typically I only have terrible or nonsensical dreams and I wake overjoyed to be alive. But now my mind is in the ghastly mode of “fixing” everything.

In these dreams there is a cure for cancer, an end to war, no concept of death, and absolute peace in troubled relationships. All the horrible situations suddenly have a worthwhile conclusion. Those I have trouble speaking to, now see and understand my heart. Those people that loathe me, embrace me in sincere and simultaneous adoration. Oh, what a world. Yes, I dream of Utopia. So for those few short hours I have no complaints.

But then my own body betrays me and slowly begins to wake me up. Reality seeps through my ears and mercilessly kills off my ideal world. I am utterly helpless as everything I care about dies to truth and is subsequently buried in the back of my mind.

I know this is only fair. No one can possess perfection.

I hate this.

 
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Posted by on January 22, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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What I’m Currently Mulling Over

“Suffering produces perseverance.

Perseverance produces character.

Good character produces hope.

Hope does not put us to shame because of God’s endless love that pours into our hearts through the Holy Spirit.”

Romans 5:3-5

*****

“There is Love” Fort Atlantic

“Pray that your misses find gentle forgiveness……there is love we can find, we will find.”

 
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Posted by on January 21, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

My Birthday

How could every moment in a day be so perfect? My heart is overcome with thankfulness.

Yes, there is a slight accomplishment in growing a year older… but birthdays are so much more than a celebration of years. It is that humbling time when the fondness of friends overwhelms the senses. 

I could go on and on of my deep love for my friends and family. And perhaps I will tomorrow.

But the day is winding down, and I have just been informed that there is another surprise waiting.

So thank you Lord for a heart big enough to care for so many, and another year to show them all just how much!

 
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Posted by on January 19, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Dismal Days in December

Often when one thinks of fog, they envision a dense aura that is both mysterious and romantic. It is nothing more than a soft, drizzly cloud that tickles the skin and chills the breath. Life around us appears hazy as former rigid edges are dulled and mystified. Time seems to have stopped and anything feels possible. However, this was not one of those times.

It was December 5, 1952 and the rush of Christmas Shopping had already begun. The bright lights and heavy traffic of London had risen due to the influx of people out on the town. By three in the afternoon, a fog had rested upon the city. Londoners, used to winter fogs, did not let this detour them. However, just an hour later, the fog had swirled with the black soot of coal to form a dense cloud. Visibility was so low that many people complained that they could not see their own feet. Not even the sun could penetrate the cloud.

By this time sulfur dioxide had mixed in to create a “yellow and black” like smog, referred to as pea soup consistency. “It had an acid like taste,” read one account, “It was inescapable.” Everyone was forced to walk and soot clung to them like paint. It seeped so deep that even undergarments were black.

The opaque mass did not just envelop the outside, but leaked into buildings and covered everything with a grey, slick film. Those at the cinema recalled not being able to even see what was on the screen. They could only see the square of where the fog was illuminated.

Traffic had completely halted and motorists had to abandon their cars. Ambulances tried to continue by sending out a scout to slowly guide them. These scouts were typically police officers (on foot) holding a flare to guide them through the puzzle of stopped traffic. But even that became useless.

Photo by BBC News

Photo by BBC News

People couldn’t see, they couldn’t breathe. The smog soaked the city for four long days. “It was a warm fog that wrapped around you. It was all possessing.” The dismal fog also permeated the lungs and slowly choked a person to death. Hospitals were filled with gasping patients. Since smoking cigarettes was all too common for the time, people’s lungs were already compromised and unable to withstand the poisonous air.

Harold Macmillan, a government official, blamed the weather for the catastrophe. No one had even considered that the “killer-fog” was manmade. Upwards of 12,000 people died from the pollution. But the public was not satisfied with only blaming Mother Nature, and insisted something needed to be done. Now pollution was no longer seen as something that city dwellers must accept (due to the advances in industrialism), but as a beast that must be regulated.

*How reminiscent of the Great Stink of 1858.*

Why it happened:

An anticyclone had rested on the city. In the atmosphere, Northern Hemisphere winds rotated clockwise, while the Southern winds rotated counterclockwise. This created a dense pressure that cooled the air considerably in the lower atmosphere. London was already dealing with winter cold, but the lack of heavy winds to push out the pollution created stagnant air. The upper atmosphere was warm, lighter air that trapped the cool air below like a lid. This is called temperature inversion. Since the smog had nowhere to go, it just continued to thicken over the city.

Why I wrote about it:

I am apart of a “Poem a Day” program. This morning I read “Guilt” by John Betjeman. It immediately reminded me of this disaster. I am so familiar with it because of my involvement with my university’s Environment Club. There are countless other concepts I could write on in relation to the poem, but it would be dreadfully personal.

Here is the poem:

Guilt by John Betjeman

The clock is frozen in the tower,
The thickening fog with sooty smell
Has blanketed the motor power
Which turns the London streets to hell;
And footsteps with their lonely sound
Intensify the silence round.

I haven’t hope. I haven’t faith.
I live two lives and sometimes three.
The lives I live make life a death
For those who have to live with me.
Knowing the virtues that I lack,
I pat myself upon the back.

With breastplate of self-righteousness
And shoes of smugness on my feet,
Before the urge in me grows less
I hurry off to make retreat.
For somewhere, somewhere, burns a light
To lead me out into the night.

It glitters icy, thin and plain,
And leads me down to Waterloo-
Into a warm electric train
Which travels sorry Surrey through
And crystal-hung, the clumps of pine
Stand deadly still beside the line.

 
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Posted by on January 17, 2013 in History, Uncategorized

 

At This Moment

Sometimes the phone rings right on the cusp of failing asleep and one becomes witness to a beautiful miracle. I am elated that I am living in that moment. My heart is so overcome with joy that I can no longer sleep. No, this calls for earnest praise to a loving God.

Life is beautiful. 

 
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Posted by on January 15, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Protected: When I’m Not Sleeping

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Posted by on January 15, 2013 in History

 

Deep Breath, Heavy Sigh

Although a few days had passed, the memory haunted my mind all day long.

“Maybe it was all just an elaborate dream,” I tell myself, unable to contain the emotion of reality.

But it was no dream. I entered that hospital. I walked the halls. I made nervous chatter with the nurse in the elevator. I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

Wandering around a bit lost, I check the smeared numbers on my hand again and looked for the matching room. Upon seeing the door, my heart sank. This is not where I wanted to be. This is not where he should be. I heard laughter inside and my anxiety momentarily subsided. After a deep breath, I walked in. The first few people I made eye contact with were strangers. Everyone stopped talking. I wanted to walk out; this was already too much.

“Jackie girl! You’re here,” said a voice from behind another tall stranger. I looked over to see my friend, sitting on the bed clenching a pillow. He looked so different from the accident (although I hardly knew him to begin with). Everyone else was close friends and family… I really didn’t belong.

Suddenly the weight of the gift in my hand alerted my conscience.

“Oh, I uh… I have this for you,” I said resting it on the bed and then quickly stepping back. Before I was out of reach he grabbed my hand and squeezed. Even in his weakened state, he was so much stronger than me.

“Thank you.” His eyes were deep with feeling and I could tell he had been crying. My heart ached, rendering me speechless. I made my way to a nearby seat and the evening continued.

Laughter, tears, and intense silence cycled continuously. It was terribly overwhelming. People came and went while the emotions repeated. Time seemed to stop, but soon it was time for me to leave. Visiting hours were over.

I nodded and waved as I wished him well then made my way to the door.

“Jackie, wait.” I stopped. “Come here.” I approached slowly, burdened by anxiousness.

He grabbed me and pulled me into his chest for a hug. I don’t think anyone has ever held me so close. I froze. He kissed my cheek and buried his face into my neck. There we stood for what felt like an eternity.  Perhaps it meant nothing to him and this was a typical hug, but my personal space was destroyed. I felt defenseless and vulnerable. He moved his lips to my ear and whispered,

“I love you.”

In nervous reaction, my body clenched. I didn’t say anything. He held me tighter and pressed the words out of me, “ I love you too.”

I never say that. I was worried that I didn’t mean it… I hardly know him. How could I possibly love him?

But this moment wasn’t about me and my overanalyzed thoughts. It was about bestowing the man in front of me all the support and care I could muster.

I am learning that there are numerous facets of love; and this was one I had not yet encountered. Deep feeling for a practical stranger. I love him in the way that I crave only good things for him: healing, restoration, and beautiful blessings.

So many thoughts racing through my head… I hope I can sleep tonight.

 
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Posted by on January 6, 2013 in friendship, Growing up, Journal, love

 

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